


Bleeding Through

by Angelofashes92



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: College, Established Relationship, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:12:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29676120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelofashes92/pseuds/Angelofashes92
Summary: Adam Parrish is a self made man. He put himself through private high school and has made it to the Ivy league school of his dreams. He has an amazing boyfriend back home and great high school friends who are away travelling. His new friends at college do not know of Adam’s childhood.  During finals Adam's nightmares start bleed through to his waking hours. Anxiety, stress and loniness starts to set inWhat will Adam do when unresolved issues start to bleed into this waking life? Will he reach out for help or self-destruct?Trigger warning – Child abuse physical and emotional (flashbacks), PTSD, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, potential self-harm/suicide.
Relationships: Adam Parrish/Blue Sargent, Richard Gansey III/Adam Parrish, Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Richard Gansey III/Ronan Lynch, Ronan Lynch & Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	1. It just exam stress

**Author's Note:**

> We straight in there with Adam. This is hopefully a good set up for where I would like the story to go. There is the start of PTSD symptoms  
> I will put trigger warning at the start of each chapter.  
> Trigger: Minor flash back in this chapter

Chapter 1  
Adam sighed as he stared down into his text book. He had been at it for almost 4 hours. His brain seemed to have stuttered and stalled as the tiredness caught up with him. He pushed his palms against his eyes and rubbed. Adam took his phone and looked at the time, almost 11pm, as good as time as any to stop and try again tomorrow, or later. Adam packed his things. He felt the tingle of anticipation of walking back to the dorm in the dark by himself, he shrugged, normal to feel unprotected in the dark he thought.  
On the steps of the library he took a deep breath, it was only a 5 minute walk across campus and security roamed regularly. He has nothing to be scared of, right? Adam dropped into a fast-paced walk with his head turning from side to side. He was always on alert, a side effect of growing up with an unpredictable father, but recently it seemed to be turn up a notch. Probably just the exam stress, Adam thought.  
Suddenly, Adam heard someone scream his name; a deep voice. Adam stopped dead in his tracks, fear rose up in him freezing him in place. The adrenaline started coursing through his veins, how did he find him? Adam saw flash of someone; Robert Parrish stood over him fist raised to bring it down on him, full strength, not holding back. Adam jumped as someone touched him.  
“Woo, sorry man. Didn’t mean to make you jump,” It was only Fletcher, Adams flat mate.  
Adam took a deep breath, still not sure what was going on. “You scared me,” Adam breathed.  
“I can see. Thought you heard me, that’s why you stopped,” Fletcher laughed nervously.  
“I did hear you, I just got lost in my own thoughts,” Adam gave Fletcher a smile to show he was okay. Adam heart was still fluttering away in his chest.  
“You heading back to dorms?” Fletcher asked. Adam nodded. “Great! Thought we could walk together.”  
Adam smiled, it put him at ease a little, knowing he wasn’t now walking alone. He pushed the memory that had arisen to the back of his mind. They fell into easy conversation as they went. 

Adam shared his dorms room with Fletcher. They got on well enough and stayed out of each others way when needed, like when partners came to visit or just when the other needed space. Fletcher could tell there was something more on Adams mind than just exams, but left him to process by himself. He assumed it must be something to do with the long distance boyfriend, not a past Adam had not yet shared with his roommate.  
Adam sat on his bed staring at his phone, willing Ronan to text him. Just like in high school, Ronan sucked at using his phone, he was trying to be better but kept misplacing it. Just as Adam was about to give up and go shower, a message popped through. The name on the screen read RONAN. Adam smiled a little.  
2331 R: Sorry for the radio silence. Left my phone at home when I went out  
2331 R: How was your day?  
2332 A: Okay. Was studying most the day. Exam start in 3 days  
2332 A: How was yours? Where you go?  
2335 R: It was good. Was just down the back field fixing the fence. Think I am close to waking the cows, don’t want them escaping  
2335 A: What makes you think that?  
2340 R: Just a feeling, going to spend tomorrow dreaming stuff. Are you waiting on my texts? Your replying real quick  
2341 A: No….. Just miss you. Fletcher made me jump on the way back from the library, maybe still a little on edge.  
2343 R: Miss you too. Bad Fletcher! Do I need to punch him? I wish I could give you a cuddle.  
2344 A: No do not punch Fletcher!  
2344 A: I wish I could cuddle up with you too. Just over 2 weeks tile we can babe  
2350 R: Oh your no fun. Babe?  
0010 A: What? Don’t like being call Babe?  
0015R: Thought it was weird, thought you fell asleep, you should sleep.  
0016 A: was trying something out  
0016 A: went to shower, going to try and sleep now. You should sleep too.  
0017 R: I can’t wait to see you. Sleep tight – dream of me. Love you  
0018 A: Love you too. 

Adam sighed as he put his phone on his bedside table. He wished he could dream of Ronan. Even in his nightmares Ronan would protect him, but Ronan was never there in his dreams.


	2. :Sleeps the most important thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares and more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finish Chapter 5 in draft so thought you could use the next update

_“Adam!” Robert Parrish screamed from the main body of double wide trailer. Adams whole body freezes. “Adam!” His father’s voice slurs with an alcoholic haze. “Yes sir,” Adam responds as he pops his head out of his bedroom door. His fathers tall, large frame blocks his path into the living room. Every cell in Adams body tenses, ready for the first blow - adrenaline already singeing nerves. Adam locks eyes with him for just for moment; he can see the rage and fury within them. Had he forgotten to do something, or was he just in one of those moods? Adam hears his Mum shuffle and stiffen behind his father and sees her cowering on the sofa, a black eye already forming. His father eyes Adam like he was a bug he was about to squash. Adam tries to stay still. ““Where my fucking keys? You useless piece of shit.” “I don-” Adam is cut off by a blow delivered to his stomach. His father grabs the front of his shirt and pushes him up against the wall, feet dangling. “What was that?” He hisses in Adams face. Adam swallows hard. He does not know what he wants him to say. Adam sees his father pull his fist back, ready for another blow..._

Adam awoke in his bed back in Cambridge breathing hard, coated in a cold sweat. Just a dream, it was just a dream - _or a memory_ , he reminded himself. He took some deep breaths to settle his breathing. He felt his hands tremble as the dream faded. Adam looked over at Fletcher who was still mumbling away in his sleep, it was a good thing he was a heavy sleeper. Adam picked up his phone; 4am - 3 and bit hours sleep. Not the worst, but he could certainly use more. He noticed a message, it was from Blue. Unlocked his phone and there was photo of Blue, Gansey and Henry at some monument he did not recognise, all smiling like idiots. He sighed. He missed his friends like he missed the sing of ley-lines when he was so far away from them. It may have sounded odd, but his friends were a part of him and he hated being so far from all those that he loved.

0410 A: Look like you are having a great time. Where are you guys now?

Adam closed his phone knowing she won’t respond now. Blue was the only person in their little group without insomnia. He sighed. _Better start the day_ , he thought.

By 5am, Adam was showered, dressed and thinking about food. The anxiety from the dream still chewing at his inside, he wasn’t sure if was able to eat. Breakfast didn’t start 07:30 at Annenberg Hall anyways, maybe he’ll eat then. Adam stared at himself in the mirror, his dusty brown hair falling into his face, his brown eyes skin puffy around them due to the lack of sleep, dry lips due to the cold. He sighed - in short looked like shit and felt it. In a bid not to wake Fletcher, Adam took his books out into the communal area to try to get some work done. Exams started in 2 days; he couldn’t waste any time. _I did not work that hard in high school to fail now_ , he thought. Adam settled himself on the sofa, tucking his feet in. He open the book to where he left it the night before.

“Parrish,” Amy sang as she walked into the room. Adam has been staring down at his book barely taking it in, he didn’t know for how long. “What you doing up so early?”

“Woke up,” he responded flatly, looking up only to confirm who it was. No danger.

She rolled her eyes at this, “Didn’t wanna wake Fletcher?” Adam nodded not looking up. “Are you alright man?” she asked with a worried tint to her voice. Out of everyone he had met since starting at Harvard, Amy was one of his favourites - she was kind and caring and didn’t push him to do things he didn’t want to. He looked up and locked with her hazel eyes.

“I am alright, just tired and stressed. Finals remember?” He gave her a weak smile to reassure her he was fine. She smiled back and continue on to the communal bathroom.

“I am heading for breakfast you wanna come? You must be hungry by now.” Amy reappeared dressed and clean, her blonde hair tied up still damp from the shower.

Adam hesitated. Anxiety climbing in his chest; he didn’t want a repeat of yesterday, but if he went with Amy he wouldn’t be alone at least. “Alright. You coming back here after or…” Adam let the question hang.

“Probably come back her, cba to carry my revision shit around,” Amy replied.

“Let me get my jacket and put this away,” he gestured to his books.

Adam felt on guard the whole way to Annenberg Hall. He tried taking a deep breath to relax himself, it did not help. Amy was chatting away about how much she hated exams and could not wait for winter break. “You looking forward to seeing Ronan?” She asked, Ronan’s name breaking through the haze in Adam head.

“Yeah. We’re going to spend the whole time together, it should be nice,” Adam responded with a genuine smile.

“Won’t you get on each other’s nerves?” Amy laughed.

“Yeah, but it’ll be worth it.”

Adam felt relived to find not many people had chosen the 07:30 breakfast time on a Saturday. Amy loaded up her tray with fried food, toast and fruit. Adam felt to wound up to eat, but knew Amy would not let it go, so he just picked up some toast and an apple for later. Adam picked a spot to sit with his back against a wall in the corner, looking out across the room. Amy continued to chat on about things - Adam wasn’t really listening, finding it hard to focus on the conversation. I am just tired, he told himself, nothing to worry about. He slowly picked at his toast whilst Amy ate her overloaded plate. “Adam are you sure that enough?” Amy asked. The question annoyed him.

“Yes,” he said, a bit too sharply, “Exam stress,” he added. She nodded, Adam could see she was not convinced.

“Your going to ace the exams. You’re smarter than most of the people I have met here,” she reassured him, “Don’t forgot to look after yourself though.”

Adam felt an angry flare in his chest, he tried to remain calm and failed, “What do that mean?” he snapped.

“I just noticed you’re not really sleeping and barely eating. I am just worried about you, sweets,” Amy responded in earnest.

“Well, no one asked you to look after me now, did they?!” He retorted. He stood and stormed away before Amy could try and reason with him.

Before Adam knew it he was in the courtyard by himself. He felt guilty for outburst - he didn’t even know why he had reacted that way. He felt like he was turning into his father. A shudder when down his spine at that thought. Adam took a shaky breath in - _I am not like my father; I would never hit someone,_ he reasoned with himself. Adam started slowly heading back to the dorm where he probably would have to apologise to Amy.

Adam sighed like the worlds weight was on his shoulders. Amy wasn’t back when Adam arrived back at the dorms. He headed back to his room where Fletcher was up and getting ready to head out. “I am going to the library wanna come?” Fletcher asked.

“Nah. Didn’t sleep well so going to study for a bit here and then try and nap,” Adam just wanted to be alone.

“Okay. Join us later if you want,” Fletcher left, leaving Adam alone with his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.  
> Trying to update at least every 2 weeks but maybe more often  
> Beta-read/spell check by SummertimeQueen


	3. Losing my grip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Ronan and Adam cutness   
> More PTSD symptoms.

Adam woke to his phone going off. He had fallen asleep at his desk. He flicked his dusty brown hair from his face, screwing his eyes up while groaning slightly. He flipped his phone over; the name read RONAN. He answered the call.  
“Hello,” Adam croaked, he tried clearing his throat.   
“Did I wake you up?” Ronan asked, his concern could be traced through the phone.   
“Yeah, but I didn’t sleep well last night, so it was more like an unplanned nap.”   
“What do you mean?”   
Adam sighed, “I fell asleep at my desk.”   
Ronan laughed, Adam loved that sound. “That is a very Adam place to have an accidental nap!”   
“What time is it anyways?” Adam yawned.   
“Just after 1.”   
“Shit, we were meant to video chat at 12:30, weren’t we?” Adam felt the guilt rise.   
“Yeah, but you needed your beauty sleep,” Ronan chuckled. “That why I called, to make sure you were alright.”   
Adam smiled, “Let me grab my laptop and we can still, if you want too ?”   
“Of course, I want to see your beautiful face,” Ronan responded. The anxious energy that had been building Adam all day seemed to still whenever he was talking to Ronan; Ronan grounded him.   
“I’ll see you in a sec,” Adam hangs up the phone without another word.

Adam pulled his laptop out of his bag, one of the only gifts he let Ronan get him for school. He turned it on and pulled up Zoom. Ronan was online. The screen opened up and Ronan’s face appeared before him, his icy blue staring into the camera, head shaved so only a small amount of brown hair was there. Adam smiled happy to see him. “Your camera is not on,” Whined Ronan.  
Adam sighed, “I look like shit.”  
“I am sure you fucking don’t Parrish, turn it on!”  
Adam switched on his camera, a moment later his image appeared. Ronan’s face creased up in worry then quickly smoothed out again. “You weren’t fucking lying,”  
“Thanks for that Lynch. I did just wake up on my desk,” Adam rubbed his neck as he said this.  
Ronan nodded in response. “How is revision going?” Ronan asked.  
“Badly, I keep getting distracted, or only been able to do it for a few hours. How are things at the barn?” Adam was hoping that Ronan would swap topics.  
“I think you need to fucking sleep,” Ronan did not swap topics. Fuck  
Adam rolled his eyes, “I don’t disagree, but it not that simple.”  
“I know. You’ll just have to catch up on sleep when you get home in a few weeks.”  
Adam raised an eyebrow, “Just sleep hey? That kinda boring, I had other plans.”  
A smirk crossed Ronan face, “Really? What other plans?”  
“Wouldn’t you like to know.”  
“You’re such a fucking tease. I miss you.”  
“Miss you too Ro. Now tell me about the barn and Opal?”  
Adam continued listening to Ronan go on about what upgrades he had given the barn, and Opals new obsession about tree bark. “Adam,” Ronan said softly.  
“Mmmh?”   
“You’re falling asleep, you should go have a nap.”   
Adam looked up at the screen from where he was resting it on his hand, “No I am not,” he lied.   
Ronan raised an eyebrow, “Yeah right. You’re a shit fucking liar Parrish. Get some rest you.”   
“Okay,” Adam said sadly.  
“Don’t sound so sad, less than 2 weeks and we’ll be together, and we can always video chat between studying and exams.” Ronan gave Adam a reassuring smile.   
Adam nodded. “I know, it can’t come soon enough. These exams are killing me.”   
“Does that mean I’ll have a zombie boyfriend?” Ronan asked chuckling. Adam smiled.   
“Only if I come back from the dead,”   
“You fucking better!” Ronan said with all seriousness. Adam laughed at him. “Go get some rest you.”   
“Bye, love you.” Adam waved at the camera.   
“Love you too Parrish,” With that Ronan logged off. Adam closed the laptop lid and sighed. 

Adam flopped on to his bed and tried to sleep. Sleep never came. He was too worried about what Amy thought after his outburst this morning, how was he going to pass these exams, and what if he never escaped his past? The thoughts seem to chase each other round his head and kept going. He stood and shook himself. Better study if I can’t sleep, he thought. He collected his stuff from the desk and headed out to the library, maybe Fletcher would still be there?

As Adam exited the building, he saw Amy talking with one of their hall mates, her blonde hair hanging at her shoulder and flowing in the wind. Adam took a deep shaky breath; he should talk to her about this morning. Amy spotted him and beckoned him over as she finished her conversation and stepped toward him. Her face was creased with worry and concern, maybe even pity - Adam didn’t like people pitying him.   
“I am sorry for this morning,” he said before she could start, “I shouldn’t have snapped that way, just tired and stress. It not an excuse I should be better.” Adam apologised.   
“It’s okay. I know we are all under a lot of pressure. I was just trying to look out for you, but Adam Parrish is nothing but independent. Just let me know if need anything, even if it is just someone to moan about Fletcher or Ronan too,” Amy smiled sweetly, Adam could still see the worry in her eyes. “Where you off too now anyways?”   
“Going to library, Fletcher asked me this morning to join him, but I thought I needed a nap first,” Adam explained.   
Amy nodded, “Let me join you,” They both walked together. 

Fletcher was still in the library. They all set about their work with quiet conversation here and there. Adam opened the book he brought with him to where he left off. His attention began to wonder, concentration dissolved - he never had this much trouble focusing; he focused better in high school when he was working 3 jobs and trying to avoid his father as much as possible. The last thought sent a chill up his spine. Adam felt a wave of nausea come over him, his stomach churned. He tried to pull his focus back but was unable to; feeling another wave come over him.  
“Guess I am not feeling well, I am going to head back.” Both Amy and Fletcher looked concerned, but just nodded. Adam had started to pack his stuff away when he heard a sudden bang of book hitting the table; it took him back to the trailer, back to a fist hitting wall - or him. 

Amy looked up at Adam as he had stopped packing his stuff away. His breathing had quickened and he had gone even paler than normal. His face was fixed in a mask of terror.   
“Adam,” she whispered. He just continued staring. She exchanged a look with Fletcher. Adam looked like a dog that had been trapped in a corner and could not escape. “Adam?” she said a little louder. He slowly turned his head right so his good ear was listening behind him. “Adam!” she touched his hand lightly.   
She felt Adam jump a little under her touch. He blinked his eyes and was back in the room. He cleared his throat like it had suddenly gone dry.   
“Sorry, must be coming down with something” he shrugged it off like nothing had happened. Amy looked at Fletcher, who also shrugged having no idea what just happened. 

Adam finished packing in a hurry; it felt like he was there, could have sworn it - but it was just some jerk slamming their book down. Another place he had to be careful of. As Adam stood, he felt another wave of nausea come over him, dizziness followed. He willed himself to stay upright, he willed himself not to panic. Fletcher must have seen him wobble a bit because he stood to give him a hand. Adam waved him away, Adam didn’t want to be touched right now.   
“Let me help you man,” Fletcher said.   
Adam shook his head no, “I am alright, just need to go home,” Adam didn’t mean his dorm. He wanted Ronan. Adam left in a hurry leaving his friends staring after him. ‘nothing but independent’, Amy words echoed in his head. Adam made it out of the library, before throwing up in a bin. Not a lot came out since he hadn’t eaten since the morning. He was a mess. He stumbled back to his dorm room and lay down in the dark.   
His phone buzzed. 2 messages from Blue, one from Fletcher.   
1802 F – Hope you alright man. Let me know if you need anything  
1808 A- Just got back to the room, going to sleep until I feel better. Thanks though

Adam swapped to the message from Blue  
1535 B- We are having amazing time. We’re at the Grand Canyon. The boys are talking about going abroad after Christmas, don’t have the heart to tell them I can’t afford it  
1730 B- Fine ignore me 😉 

Anxiety gripped him again, pain flaring in his chest. Was Blue annoyed? Was she joking? Was the emoji there to reassure him she was joking or accident? Adam had never worried about things like this before, but now he just didn’t know. He sighed. He shuffled his position so he was on his left side, his good ear face up so if anyone came he would wake up. Always on alert, never truly resting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos.

**Author's Note:**

> I started to make play list of songs that I feel will go along side this nice and inspire me while writing. Once I am happy with it I am sure I will share.  
> Plan to try and update every 2 weeks but I am a shift worker so we will see.  
> Please be nice in the comments first fan fiction I have written in 10 years.


End file.
